the condom got lost in my hair
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
