Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
