my vag is so smooth its legendary
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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