I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
