Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
