When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
