I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
