I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
