Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
