apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think a kid would responsible me up
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
