I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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