Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
