He uses pillows to masturbate.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
