I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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