ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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