Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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