Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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