here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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