happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
