dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
