Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
