The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
