All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
