the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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