This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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