she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
