my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
