i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
