see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
