I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
