I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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