Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
and she was petting her beer can
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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