Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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