Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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