If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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