can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
