If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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