First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize