Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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