Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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