I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
