help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
