i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
