first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
