My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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