You're completely useless in the revolution.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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