He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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