Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize