K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize