My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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