i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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