Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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