so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
