She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize