My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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