I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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