6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
