I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
