I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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