At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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