Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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